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B-Fest 2003

It Came from the '80s

24-Hours! 17 Films! 67-Hours of No Sleep!

( Or We're Experiencing Technical Difficulties )

( Please Stand By )

 

     

B-Fest:

2003

Part II

 

The Line Up:

Kingdom of the Spiders

Cool as Ice

Flash Gordon

Wizard of Speed & Time

Plan 9 from Outer Space

The Happy Hooker

Flesh Gordon

A Language All My Own

Warlords of Atlantis

Dementia 13

No Holds Barred

Mac & Me

The Last Dragon

It Came from Beneath the Sea

What is Communism?

Supergirl

Godzilla 1985

 

 
Sights &
Sounds:
B-Fest 
2003
 Where:
  McCormick Auditorium
  Northwestern University
 When:
  Jan. 24-25
  6pm to 6pm
 A&O
 Films
 

The 2003

Mix Tracks:

A Second Year
of Tampering
in God's Domain

Courtesy of Tim Lehnerer

& The Unified Meek Theory

 "Godzilla King
  of the Monsters"

Akira Ifukube  

 "The Cockroach
  that Ate Cincinnati"

Rose & the Arrangement  

 "Love Theme
  from MST3k"

Joel Hodgson  

 "Scary Picture Show"

The Riot Squad   

 "The Devil"

Hoyt Axton  

 "Hang 'Em High"

Booker T & the MG's  

 "The Words Get
  Stuck in My Throat"

Devo  

 "Bilbo Baggins"

Leonard Nimoy  

 "Maxwell Silver Hammer"

Steve Martin  

 "Godzilla"

Blue Oyster Cult  

 "Attack of the
  Killer Tomatoes"

Lewis Lee  

 "Star Wars Theme"

Meco  

 "Partytime"

45 Grave  

 "One Tin Soldier
  Rides Away"

Coven  

 "Theme from Coffy"

Roy Ayers  

 "Mothra"

Those Darn Accordians  

 "Football Fight"

Queen  

 "Spider-Man"

The Ramones  

 "Nowhere Fast"

Fire, Inc.  

 "Kung-Fu Fighting"

Carl Douglas  

 "Nobody Does it Better"

Me First &   

 The Gimme Gimmes  

 "Attack of the Mole Men"

The Dickies  

 "Wizard of Speed & Time"

Mike Jittlov   

 "Science Fiction
  Double Feature"

Richard O'Brien  

 

B-Fest or Bust Part II

(Reaching a New State of Semi-Unconsciousness...)

When we last left our sleep-deprived cretin, he had regretfully come to the decision that he'd never be able to stay awake for the full 24-hours of cheesy goodness and had chosen the film where he would officially give it up and chuck it in for a much needed nap. But! That's still several films away. So, in the meantime, let us see what else B-Fest has in store to hammer and pummel him with. 

The Wizard of Speed & Time

(Ramming Speed!)

When I think of B-Fest, I think of this trippy little short about a wizard with supersonic speed, racing across the countryside, followed by a bizarre stop-motion musical number of dancing film cans and cameras that tends to creep you out and mess with your sleep-deprived head. To compound this, they immediately rerun the short -- only in reverse, so the guy is running backwards making it Time & Speed of Wizard The.

The Wizard is truly a surreal experience. Audience participation during the fest is encouraged, but during this particular short it reaches its zenith. When the film started, Megalemur, decked out in his spiffy Wizard outfit, led the charge as people stormed the stage, laid flat on their backs and stomped in unison with the speedy wizard until he tripped on a banana peel and flew out of control. And I really laughed when they had trouble with the projector until Lem stood up and worked some hoodoo on it, and then the film magically came to life. Outstanding work, young man.

It's approaching midnight now, and I've been up for 36-straight hours. Wait. Midnight? Crap. *sigh* Time for the old Solarnite Shuffle...

Plan Nine from Outer Space

(Bela! Not Bela! Tor! ...Snuffy?)

I've only been to two B-Fests now, but this one seemed to be plagued by a lot of false starts and technical glitches. Not a complaint, just an observation; besides, it's fun to wail and stomp when things go wrong. Case in point, the crowd cheered when the lights went down at midnight in anticipation of the next movie. Then, hands clutching those paper plates, ready to let the discs fly, when the first reel spooled up, we see Conrad Brooks and Paul Marco running around the grave yard complaining about spook details ... Obviously, that was the wrong reel, and the audience roared until it stopped and started over at the beginning; the film never really recovered after that. And since I swore off Plan 9 a long time ago, I stuck it out long enough to jettison all my paper plates, then evacuated, dodging all the other airborne paper projectiles simulating the flying hub-caps on screen, and lit out to the lobby, where I was safe from the dreaded Solarnite speech. 

Stumbling out of the theater, bleary-eyed and caffeine punchy, I pulled up a chair to chat with the B-Board gang, who had congregated outside. I tried to form a coherent sentence, failed, then started strumming my fingers over my lips. (What I meant to say was I can't hear the Solarnite speech again, but all that came out was something like "blodog hagfarrrth urrrggh urrk!") They all nodded politely ... What exactly is the next stage of sleep deprivation after the hallucinations come? I asked Dr. Snuffleupagus, who was sitting next to me, but Dr. Snuffy had no answers. Dazed, I stumbled back into the theater in time to hear Criswell warn us about future events being futurely important in the future -- or something. Mike is as punchy as I am. Paul is off to parts unknown. And as I shoveled in a hand full of Doritos and take a long drag off my soda, I can sense that the wall is close and I'm about to slam right into it.

The Happy Hooker

(Isn't Anybody Gonna Get Naked?)

My brain was already misfiring and this film didn't help. I remember watching this film. I was there. And my eyes were open, but nothing registered. I sorta remember Lynn Redgrave as an albino with a funny accent, and Richard Lynch showing up out of nowhere. And haven't we seen that jogging scene already? Oh, I bet those are cops. This is a sting. Hey! They're jogging again. Wake up, Mike! You're missing a great movie!

The Happy Hooker is one of those films whose titles promises a lot but fails to deliver anything and felt like a TV-movie of the week. Isn't anybody going to get naked? The answer: a disappointing no. And the rash of technical difficulties continued as an entire reel of the movie was left out, explaining why it felt so disjointed, but no one really noticed and no one really cared except for the fact that the film ended rather abruptly. When they started to show the omitted reel after the closing credits, since no one seemed all that interested, they quickly stopped it and just ran The Wizard of Speed and Time again -- both ways, to appease the audience.

By 2am, the Norris Center was locked up, so we were essentially trapped there until the next morning. All around me people were dropping like flies where they sat. Others took to the stage and stretched out. Later, Dr. Freex made the brilliant observation that the theater was starting to resemble the harrowing scene of Confederate wounded lying around the train yard from Gone With The Wind.

Beyond that, it's time to shake off The Happy Hooker and move on. Six films down, eleven to go. Are there any Oreos left?

A Language All My Own

(Boop-Boop-Be-Doop Poop.)

A wave of disappointment hits me as this year's mystery short, A Language All My Own, spools up and I see it's only a Betty Boop cartoon. Nothing against Ms. Boop, it just means no midget short this year. No midget Hitler. No Midget of Speed and Time. *sigh*

As for the cartoon short itself? The Fleischer brothers were on drugs. It's the only rational explanation.

Flesh Gordon

(Finally! Some Naughty Bits.)

Yes, you read that title right. And when the Earth is violated with a sex-ray causing one massive planet-wide orgy, Dr. Jerkoff kidnaps Flesh and Dale and they rocket off in a giant phallic symbol to the planet Porno to battle Wang, who is rumored to be Perverted. Along the way, they must fight their way through lesbian amazons, gay forest rangers, and an army of Rape Robots, whose designs reminded me of the cowboy robots from Phantom Empire -- only with *ahem* strategically placed drills. Words fail me, folks. Words fail me ... Can Flesh and Jerkoff use the power-pasties to stop the sex-ray and save Dale from the clutches of Wang and the giant stop-animated Great God Porno? Whose only vulnerable spot is his ass?  Who am I to ruin it.

Finally, the naughty portion of our program. If you haven't figured it out already, this was Bill Osco's X-rated parody of Flash Gordon, where almost everyone’s naked, including the robots. Despite its adult themes, the special-effects and production designs are really quite good. And dare I say, better than the Flash we saw earlier? When given a chance, it proves not half as bad as it’s notorious reputation. Honestly, porn has no business being this good.

...Okay, black dots obscuring your vision isn't a good or a healthy thing, right? My brain is gone. Mike had already conked out, Paul was still MIA, and I can't remember what's next. Using the blue light on my watch I consulted the program ... Only one more film to go before Dementia 13. I can stay awake for one more film. 

Yeah, but with Doug McClure in the lead it ain't going to be easy.

Warlords of Atlantissszzzzz...

(ZZZzzzzZZZz...ZZZzzzZZZZz...)

As the film started, I realized, to my mistake and delayed joy, that I in fact had seen Warlords of Atlantis before, having confused it with War Gods of the Deep, so I wouldn't fight off sleep any longer if it came to take me.

We open with McClure and company testing a new diving bell, and I spot Felix from the old Bond films, and John Ratzenberger as members of the crew. Once submerged, the diving bell is attacked by a giant sea serpent until they manage to electrocute it. Up above, a mutiny is interrupted by a giant octopus attack that drags everybody underwater to the undersea kingdom of Atlantis. But the Atlanteans aren't real happy to see them, so they're all thrown in the dungeon. There they sat until the castle is attacked by a couple of giant horned-frogs. And as the critters scaled the castle, the prison walls came a tumbling down aandddzzzZZzZZz...

ZZZzzzzZZzzzZzz...*snort*...zzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZzzzZZzzZZzzz...

ZZZZZzzzzzZzz...zzzZZZzz...ZZZZzzzZ...*snorkle*...zzzzzZZZzz...

ZZZZZzzzzzZzz...zzzZZZzz...ZZZZzzzZ......zzzzzZZZzz.............

ZZZZzzzzzz....gah! Huh! wha! -- huuzaat! FOOTBALL PRACTICE! Ow! My foot. Who's stepping on my foot?

Apparently, the gal in the corner needed to get out of the row and I was the last obstacle blocking her path. After letting her out, I stared at the screen, where McClure is shooting at a giant whatsawhosit but I can't keep anything in focus. Those black dots are now congregating into larger globs, who congregate into even bigger blobs, and somehow, a hornet has lodged itself deep in my nasal passages, who apparently isn't all that happy about being stuck up in there, and this phantasm's buzzing is causing those blobs to lose their cohesion only to slowly reform again. Before trying to dig the thing out, I spied a nice piece of empty real estate at the bottom of the steps leading out of the theater that's begging me to come and occupy it. Grabbing my pillow and blanket, I scrunched up next to the wall and shut my eyes ... Somewhere, McClure is shouting, the monster is roaring, and more shots are fired as I pulled the blanket over my head, trying desperately to convince my buzzing brain to shut back off.

Will Our Hero Ever Fall Asleep?
And If He Does, Will He Ever Wake Back Up?
Click on over to Part III and find out!

Originally Posted: 01/29/03 :: Rehashed: 11/25/09

Knuckled-out by Chad Plambeck: misspeller of words, butcher of all things grammatical, and king of the run on sentence. Copy and paste at your own legal risk. Questions? Comments? Shoot us an e-mail.
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