Our rental tape wheezes to life with a few coming attractions, and since I can't find the remote to fast forward through them, let's see if they're any good:

First up is Beverly Hills Brats, and if you've ever wanted to know what happened to that kid who played Ralphie in A Christmas Story, well, he's the star of this thing and we haven't heard from him since -- if that gives you an inkling to it's quality. The film also boasts Martin Sheen, Natalie "Mrs. Thurston Howell" Schaefer and the big screen debut of Ramon Estevez -- who eventually dumped his dad's original first name and went with his own, Emilio. Next up is Let's Stuff Stephanie in the Incinerator, which is from our friends at Troma, and it might be about a family of serial killers, or maybe a Tupperware party gone horribly, horribly wrong. I'm not sure. There was another preview, about growing up in the '60s and stealing a Cadillac to drive to California where all problems can be solved in about 90 minutes, but I finally found the remote and zapped through it. Whew. Made it.

And now Our Feature Presentation...

So, when our feature film finally cues up, we're back in the familiar territory of the swamps and marshes of southern Arkansas, where a narrator (Charles B. Pierce) waxes philosophically about the eerie serenity of the wetlands while giving us the nickel tour. But all this natural serenity comes to a screeching halt when a large, primordial creature covered in long, coarse hair wanders into the scene near a river, starkly out of place against this backdrop. This is the legendary monster of Boggy Creek; a bigfoot like creature that has haunted the area around Fouke, Arkansas since the 1940s but has proven even more elusive than its cousin of the Pacific Northwest. And while the narrator ponders if this creature is real or just myth, upstream, a deer comes out of the forest to drink. Then, when the deer decides to go for a swim and cross the river, if you look real close, it appears to me that there's something looped around the buck's neck, meaning it isn't swimming -- but being drug across the water by the neck!

This distressed deer only gets about halfway before being forced into a holding pattern so we can spy a bubbling disturbance -- as if something was breathing under the water (...or passing gas, perhaps?) -- chugging right toward it. Using the ominous soundtrack as a hint, we can deduce that whatever's causing this isn't some friendly beaver, and when the bubbling wake overtakes the tethered deer -- that has now magically changed to a dead-deer carcass -- the animal gets thrashed around until a large clawed hand comes out of the water, causing the deer to change form again, this time into a fake, prop-head, that pukes up a vomitous cone of blood as the monster finishes throttling it, and then slowly drags the prey underwater. Then, all is silent as the water's surface turns placid -- until the deer's dismembered head bobs back to the surface! 

Cut to the shoreline, where we see the monster come out, dragging the bloody carcass behind him into the trees. And when you combine that bloody opening (-- where I suspect that at least three deer were sacrificed to get that sequence), with the full on and unadulterated view of the guy in the monkey suit, we already know we are in for a far different kind of film than the first Boggy Creek movie. Is abandoning the documentary style of it's predecessor to the film's detriment? Well, that remains to be seen, but judging by what we've seen, this could get seriously ugly pretty damned quick.

Our story proper picks up at the University of Arkansas, where we find Dr. Brian Lockhart (Charles B. Pierce) at a football game, cheering on his beloved Razorbacks. A professor of anthropology, Doc Lockhart has a keen interest in the mysterious swamp monster. And when he receives word from Tim Thorne (Chuck Pierce -- and if you're thinking nepotism, you're spot on right), one of his grad assistants, that there has been a rash of recent sightings of the creature, Lockhart, who firmly believes in the creature, decides it's time to lead an expedition into the swamps to get proof of the creature's existence. With that, Lockhart, along with Tim, Tonya Yazoe (Serene Hedin), another grad assistant, and her "citified" friend, Leslie Walker (Cindy Butler), load up all kinds of sensors and scientific equipment into their jeep (-- but note not one single camera), and with a camper in tow, head out to the swamps and the monster's old stomping grounds. 

Stopping at a general store in Fouke so Lockhart can get some ammunition for his rifle, when the clerk asks if they're all going camping, Lockhart admits they're actually monster hunting. This brings a fit of laughter from the locals gathered there, who all clamor there ain't no such thing, or point out that drunks, kooks, and city-folk wanting to get their names in the paper are the only ones to have seen this so-called monster. In response, the scowling Lockhart gives them all a stare of self-righteous indignation that would cower Moses himself, and when another local pipes up, saying maybe they ought to get a monkey suit and raid the college-boy's camp, Lockhart's indignation boils over into full blown hostility as he warns them that he believes in the monster. In fact: the beast scares him, and who knows, he might be so scared that he'll shoot anything that even remotely resembles a monster if it gets close to his camp. Sweeping the room with his death-scowl one more time to punctuate that threat, Lochhart takes up his ammunition and leaves. 

And if you listen real close, there, Doc, you can hear them locals [rightfully] calling you an asshole, and debating on whether to break out their own shotguns and pay house call on your camp anyway -- without a monkey-suit.

Leaving those unbelieving heathens behind, the troupe drives on until Lockhart tells Tim to stop at the next farm, which belonged to W.L. Slogan, who had a close encounter with the creature some 30 years ago. And while Lockhart recounts the story, someone smears mayonnaise all over the lens, triggering a myopic flashback where we spy Slogan bringing his cattle in for the night. When he hears something in the barn and takes a look inside, the opposite barn door is open, and there, silhouetted in the light, is the monster watching him! Startled, Slogan beats a hasty retreat.

The story done, the group heads on down the road, when suddenly, Tim slams on the brakes to avoid a deer carcass in the middle of the highway. As Lockhart and Tim drag the deer off the road before someone has a wreck, upon closer inspection, they notice the deer's head is missing and something has been gnawing on the remains. Was it a bobcat? Or was it the creature? Cue ominous music!

Ominous music being Don Music banging his head on an old Casio keyboard for awhile. I wish I was making that up.

After Lockhart's crew finally finds a clearing and makes camp, later, around the campfire, as Tim sketches the creature (-- and we really wish Tim would keep his shirt on because he appears to have a third nipple that's a little distracting), Lockhart says it's an accurate rendering, which scares the (-- and the movie can't stress this enough --) citified Leslie. But country-gal Tonya (-- rather disturbingly --) finds the thing sexy ... And we're not even going to touch that, and we'll just allow that statement to stand on its own merit ... Because of all the rain they've been having lately, Lockhart is confident that they might find the elusive creature. Noting that the creature has never been spotted during a drought, he theorizes that when the river floods the lowlands, it drives the creature out to higher and dryer ground. And with no time like the present, he loads everybody back in the jeep so they can get acquainted with the area.

Now, remember how I was complaining about Tim's shirt earlier? Yeah, well, I'll withdraw that if Lockhart will stop wearing those disturbingly short shorts. Those things are reserved for little Japanese boys named Kenny who befriend giant, fire-breathing turtles -- not middle-aged men who should know better. People usually rag on '70s fashions, but the stuff we wore in the '80s wasn't much better. In other words -- Lockhart act your age and put some *&%$ing pants on fer chrissakes!

First stop is an abandoned homestead, where the crew head for the derelict house to investigate -- but are interrupted when a rabid dog bounds out of the woods and attacks them! And do these geniuses run for the jeep and escape? Nope. They run into the abandoned house. Well, Lockhart does go to the jeep and gets his pistol, and pops off a few rounds at the dog but misses rather badly. (Don't bother to aim or anything. Sheesh.) As the foaming dog lays siege to the house, despite it's decaying brain, it continuously outwits our heroes. (And talk about faint praise...) Even when he aims, Lockhart proves a terrible shot, and as I counted his rounds, expecting the six-shooter to magically reload itself (-- because there was no way in hell he had any spare ammo in those *ugh* tight shorts), this scene drags on and on ... until the dog goes underneath the house, causing Lockhart to use up the rest of his ammo blowing holes in the floor. Then, as I waited for the magic seventh, eight and ninth bullets, Lockhart ceases fire and orders Tim to check the closet to find something to cover the now gaping holes in the floor. But Tim, being the idiot that he is, mistakes the back door for the closet, opens it wide, and comes face to face with the frothing dog. Throwing him out of the way, when Lockhart pulls the trigger (-- and I'm just as shocked as you are), the gun clicks empty! Letting the dog back him into a corner, Lockhart watches as the others scramble out of the house and make it to the jeep. Worthless Tim grabs the rifle, then returns to the house and manages to shot the dog just as it lunges for Lockhart.

Leaving the sick and mortally wounded dog to slowly bleed to death on the floor, they solemnly vacate the premises. (I'm sure only after Lockhart gave it one of his long, patented death-scowls.) Upon their return to camp, citified Leslie has had enough and wants to head back to town and sleep in a hotel. Breaking out another righteously indignant death-scowl, Lockhart quickly cowers her, claiming he never promised that this would be a picnic, before returning to his notes and records. Going over the countless incidents with the usually docile creature, Lockhart is puzzled by the circumstances of the Otis Tucker incident...

...We break out the mayonnaise-cam again and spy Tucker, happily trundling down a back road until his truck suffers a blowout. After breaking out the jack, as he starts to put on the spare, Tucker starts to hear some strange noises. As he shines his flashlight around, he doesn't see anything. But that's because the monster's was right behind him! (Cue ominous music sting! Thank you, Don.) Slowly Tucker turns, and then screams as the monster lets out a wurbeldy-gurgle and attacks him...

...Lockhart says no one knows for sure what really happened to Tucker as he never regained consciousness after being found, and then died two days later at the hospital. With his wallet was still on him, robbery was ruled out, but something caved his skull in and tipped the truck over, off the jack, and into the ditch. (One more time with that ominous music sting!)

With the sun starting to set, it's finally time to rig-up all those fancy sensors and computer equipment the expedition brought with them. Establishing a 200-meter perimeter of sensors around the camp, all tied into a computer in the camper, which in turn acts as a radar station and picks up anything that moves within range, Lockhart sends Tim and Tonya out in opposite directions to test the equipment. Sure enough, two blips appear on screen as Lockhart explains to Leslie (and the audience) how the sensors are calibrated for certain weight specifications, which is why they don't pick up birds, raccoons and curious possums. After ordering his two guinea pigs back to camp, as Lockhart watches the corresponding blips get closer to the center, a third blip suddenly appears and starts zeroing in on Tonya's position -- and whatever it is, it's really big and moving really fast! Outside, tension mounts as a heavy breathing, POV-shot closes in on Tonya, and as their blips on the radar grow closer and closer together, Lockhart grabs his pistol and heads out to intercept the bogey. But by the time he reaches Tonya, the big blip has disappeared, leaving behind only an acrid smell.

Night falls, and while Lockhart watches the radar, the big blip returns. Waking everyone up, they watch the screen as the thing circles the camp: Closer ... and closer ... and closer still! What was that noise?! GAH! What? Who turned out the lights? Okay, Who forgot to fill up the generator? TIM?!? As the camp is plunged into darkness and panic ensues, Lockhart orders the girls to stay inside while he and Tim take care of the generator. (And please try and get some gas into the tank, there, Tim.) Soon enough, the generator sputters to life but the flickering floodlights reveal the creature, towering above some small trees just outside of camp, staring right at them! Lockhart stares back in awe, and then begs the creature to talk to him. The monster screeches and grunts a reply, but as it starts to move forward, Lockhart fires his shotgun at the looming menace (Huh? I didn't know they made tranquilizer shotguns?) Though the creature roars in pain, the tranquilizer dart has no other effect, and after plucking it out of his chest, the creature storms off into the trees and is quickly out of sight.

The next day, the group heads back to town so Lockhart can interview a Sheriff's deputy about a more recent encounter. And since everyone's still pretty tense over the previous night's harrowing encounter, Lockhart tells them about an encounter with a more comical nature...

...As the trusty mayonnaise-cam takes us into the home of Oscar and Myrtle Colpotter, inside, Oscar's looking for the Sears catalog because he's got to take a massive dump and needs some reading material to pass the time. When his wife tells him it's on the back porch, we get to follow Oscar, with the catalog now in tow, all the way to- and then inside the outhouse. (Thank you, movie.) We are then treated to Oscar's noisy bodily functions as he drops a deuce and drools over the female underwear models. (Again. Thank you, movie.) Thankfully, something sinister starts scratching at the door. Of course, Oscar thinks it's Myrtle spying on him -- until the monster smashes in the door! He manages to beat the creature off with the catalog, but gets his foot stuck in the crapper hole in the process. Drawn out by the ruckus, Myrtle spies the creature running away, and then helps Oscar out of the hole and starts to hose off his feces-saturated leg...

...The story brings a laugh out of everyone, but Lockhart admits the story might not be valid because Oscar was known for a bad drinking problem. (Ha-Hah! High hilarity. Poop jokes never fail. *sigh*) Sending the others on for more supplies, Lockhart interviews the deputy alone, who relates the tale of how he came home from fishing one day after catching the limit. When his wife ordered him to clean the smelly fish away from the house, he headed over to the garage, where he was brutally attacked by a ferocious creature. Well, make that a midget in a monkey suit that someone threw on top of him. After the two wrestle around for awhile, the deputy finally bucks him off. But the nasty little critter steals the cache of fish, and then runs to a bigger critter waiting a few yards away. Stupefied, the deputy then watched as the big critter picked up the midget critter, slung him over his back, piggy-back style, and loped off into the woods. Swearing that the little critter was amazingly strong, and that he needed several stitches in his back after the close encounter, the deputy also asks if Lockhart has spoken to old man Crenshaw yet. Seems this Crenshaw has lived on the bottoms all of his life and has reported numerous sightings of the creature. Told Crenshaw also claims the beast is super-fast and a great swimmer, Lockhart promises to check in with him as soon as possible.

Later, at the camp, Lockhart has just about had it with Leslie's whining and complaining. Ordered to stay in camp while he and Tim go out looking for the monster -- mostly to just get away from them for awhile, after the men leave, Leslie talks (-- well, more like scares --) Tonya into taking the jeep and driving her back to town. But along the way, the girls not only manage to get lost, but bury the jeep in a mud bog as well. As the sun sets, the girls are still screaming at- and blaming each other for their current predicament, and when Lockhart and Tim return to camp, they find the girls and the jeep gone. After several hours pass, the men are still waiting, the girls are still bickering, and the jeep is still stuck. Also of note, the hard-breathing POV has showed up again. 

As for me? Well, I've concluded that this movie needs more midget monsters. A whole horde of them, plowing over Doc Lockhart and his hi-falutin, fiery gaze of indignation and death scowl. Then, these midget monsters should pummel him into something that resembles a wet prune. Serioiusly: this guy couldn't lead an expedition to find his own ass -- even if he had a map and one hand in his back pocket. And Leslie and Tonya might as well take their catfight outside and start wrestling in the mud. That would be cool. Well, that, and everybody still needs to put some @*&#ing regular pants on. Okay, where were we ...

After consulting the owners manual, the girls finally decide to try the front mounted winch to get the jeep unstuck. Spooling out the cable, they even manage to get it hooked onto a tree and start winching the vehicle out when Leslie spots the monster watching them. Terrified, the girls abandon the jeep. Back at the camp, Lockhart spies a familiar blip on the radar headed their way. Tim thinks it might be the creature, but Lockhart has other ideas and tells Tim to just play it cool and wait. Sure enough, the girls drag themselves into camp, and after relating their encounter with the creature, Lockhart starts to fire up his indignant glare again -- but then reels it back in; the girls have been through enough tonight.

The next morning, the expedition moves on to a small resort area along the river to rent a boat to go and see old Crenshaw. (And the resort looks just like the Lost River Lake from Piranha.) While they negotiate for a rental boat, we watch a bunch of swimmers frolicking in the water. But what's that in the background there? Uh-oh ... A familiar, bubbling wake is heading right toward the swimmers. (I wonder if they're tethered?) Delightfully unaware that something is lurking underneath them, one of the swimmers finally spots the bubbling trail. And what's causing it finally breaks the surface -- but it turns out to only be a young hooligan in a fright mask. With that interlude safely tucked away, Lockhart and his crew putter out onto the river, where they are harassed by some clown on a jet-ski. As he circles them, Tanya encourages him on until he finally peels off and heads back. But we spot another bubbling wake crossing his path, and when the jet-ski hits something, the rider falls off. And frankly, I'm not sure what happens next. Either the monster is closing in on him as he desperately tries to get back to the jet-ski, or this moron just isn't a very a good swimmer. I don't know. You be the judge. Regardless, he gets away.

And at this point I realized this movie managed to rip-off JAWS, JAWS II, JAWS III, Up From the Depths and Piranha all in the last five minutes. That's gotta be some kind of record.

Eventually, Lockhart finds Crenshaw's shack but no one's home. As they look around, a big, hairy and surly looking brute lumbers into view, and since he's wearing a pair of one-strap overalls, I'm gonna assume this is Crenshaw and not another monster. Fearing they're Revenue men from the government, Crenshaw (Jimmy Clem) holds a shotgun on them, promising if they are G-Men, he'll shoot them all on the spot and bury the bodies in the swamp. After Lockhart assures him they're from the University, on a field trip to gather information, the brutish bumpkin apologizes and assures everyone that his bark is much worse than his bite. He then invites them all to sit a spell, and also offers everyone a plug of chewing tobacco and a drag off his moonshine jug. Only Tonya accepts. Crenshaw is immediately smitten with her but she's soon turning green and runs off to hurl her cookies after consuming the noxious concoction. While she barfs, Lockhart starts asking questions about the Boggy Creek monster. A forthcoming Crenshaw claims they're regular visitors around his place, and he can't get no sleep because of the racket they make. But Crenshaw is obviously preoccupied with something, but Lockhart can't quite figure out why. The others want to head back but a bad storm is brewing on the horizon and it won't be safe to be on the river when it hits. Crenshaw offers his house for shelter but he must tend to his fires and starts stacking huge piles of wood. Herding the others inside, Lockhart airs his suspicions. There's plenty of evidence that this isn't the first night for these huge bonfires, but Crenshaw won't reveal what he's so afraid of as he douses the wood with gasoline. 

As the sky grows black and thunder and lighting start to rumble and flash overhead, Crenshaw asks Lockhart if he's a real doctor that can patch people up. Explaining that he isn't that kind of doctor, Crenshaw takes Lockhart away from the others and makes a sales pitch, saying they can make it rich because he knows how to catch the creature. Intrigued, Lockhart asks how. Crenshaw answers by opening the door to a side room, revealing the midget creature lying on the floor in a heap. Allowing Lockhart to examine it, Crenshaw confesses that he caught it in one of his traps a few days ago, and now he wants to cash in. Only then does Lockhart realize what the bonfires are for: They're to keep the bigger creature away from it's offspring. The little creature before him appears all but dead, but Crenshaw orders Lockhart to fix it -- or else. Told that they need to get it to a real doctor (-- or at least a vet), Crenshaw says there's no time because the sun's gone down, and then leaves to tend the fires. When the fires are lit, Crenshaw takes up his shotgun and stands a vigil by the tree line. And it isn't long before everyone spots the creature lurking about.

When the storm breaks, the torrential rain quickly douses the fires. Now unhindered, the monster closes in. As Crenshaw retreats toward the house, Lockhart greets him with his pistol and forces him to hand over the shotgun. He then orders everyone back inside the house, where he gives Tim the shotgun with orders to watch Crenshaw. Outside, the big creature starts to pound on the front door down, and is it quickly splinters apart, Lockhart retreats to the other room and cradles the little creature in his arms just as the big creature finishes off the door. Hoping the beast understands what he's doing, Lockhart gives the little one back. (No harm, no foul, right? Besides, it was Hillbilly Jim over there. Rip his head off. You can rip Tim's head off, too, if you want. And that stupid city girl too.) Accepting its offspring, the creature then quickly retreats back through what's left of the door and disappears into the storm.

The next morning, while the others pile into the boat, Lockhart has a final chat with Crenshaw. Apparently, the big galoot has seen the error of his ways and admits Lockhart was right -- the creature needs to be left alone out in the wild. The two shake hands before parting. And while the intrepid Lockhart expedition putters back up river, their fearless leader has a few ponderings of his own to leave us with: He has no intention of telling anyone about their encounter with the creature and its offspring; and it's not because he fears no one would believe them; he fears those who would believe and come out here like they did, looking for proof. No. He wants to help keep these creatures a mystery. And they aren't monsters, really. They're just another part of nature, and are meant to be left in the wild just like God intended.

Amen, you self-righteous turd. Feh.

And as the end credits roll, we see the two creatures, fully recovered and frolicking around the woods, to maim and kill all unsuspecting motorists who're just trying to change their flat tires.

The End

Aarrrgh! But this movie makes my head hurt!

You know something, I really enjoyed The Legend of Boggy Creek. If you haven't read that review or seen it yet, it's a pseudo-documentary feature on Arkansas very own Bigfoot, and that film is really compelling and authentic for the first two-thirds, when it uses testimonials and re-enactments of encounters with the beast. And whether you believe in such things or not doesn't matter, because the film is so sincere it puts the hypno-whammy on you and will have even the harshest skeptic believing in the possibility of such things. But when the last third of that film concentrates completely on the creature's attack and siege on the Ford family house, the film's spell is broken. It's no longer a documentary, or mockumentary, or whatever, at that point, but a monster movie with a really bad gorilla costume. I love and champion monster movies -- especially monster movies with bad gorilla costumes -- but with such a great build up, the end of The Legend of Boggy Creek is a big let down.

Texarkana film titan Charles B. Pierce wrote, produced and directed both of these films, and everything he did right for the first one, he ignored and made his second effort an outright monster movie. The monster's costume is a vast improvement on the original, but that's the only thing better about the sequel. It's bad, it's plodding, and it's horribly padded, and the only thing more atrocious than the dialogue is the ability of the actors executing those lines, making for plenty of laughs to be had at the film's expense. So, with all these grounds for high hilarity, what it is it about this film that just rubs me the wrong the way?

It's pretty simple, actually, as all of it boils down to Boggy Creek II basically coming off as a 93-minute vanity project for Pierce. No ... Not a pet project he earned, or his special vision that he wanted to get onto the screen. No. This is a personal piece of vanity for Pierce himself. Seriously; the entire film has him prancing around like God's personal instrument of bad filmmaking. Pierce had just come off co-writing the Dirty Harry sequel, Sudden Impact, and this carries over to Boggy Creek II, where his fiery, self-righteous glare and death scowl is only the tip of the iceberg. Strutting around the swamp in form fitting clothes, waving his big pistol around with a macho swagger that doesn't fit his stature, Pierce projects that his sh*t doesn't stink, he knows it, and he'll gladly tell you why. There's just an oozing attitude that says, Since I'm in it, this turd-burger of a movie is suddenly gold plated. And his script allows him to act like a complete and total schmuck, but it doesn't matter because he's the hero of the film and justified moral center. Why? BECAUSE HE WROTE IT THAT WAY! That may sound kinda harsh but it's true. I honestly think Pierce has some real talent as a director, cinematographer, and storyteller, but he has no business being in front of it as an action hero. (Or odious comedy relief for that matter. See The Town That Dreaded Sundown for further proof.) The rest of the cast consists of his son and several regulars from his other productions, but they don't fare much better -- except for Clem, who steals the show as the surly bumpkin.

The film does overachieve in spots, and even has a few suspenseful turns as Pierce tries to recapture the magic of the first film with the flashback sequences. But the mayonnaise covered camera lens kinda ruins it, and when they end we're still left with the lame framing device. With its recent exposure on Mystery Science Theater 3000, if you've only seen Boggy Creek II, I beg you to track down and give the original The Legend of Boggy Creek a chance. Boggy Creek II is a fine turd-burger of a movie with lots of stuff to poke fun and groan at. I don't know if it's as painful as I've made it out to be -- or if it just caught me on a bad day, or what, because I seem to remember liking this movie a lot more when I first saw it. 

Oh, well.