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Our
story begins somewhere in the untamed west
of America in the late 1800’s, where a wagon
train of immigrant settlers circle up
before bedding down for the night.
Bringing up the rear of this caravan is the Oster clan:
Poppa Franz (Walter
Janovitz), his superstitious wife,
Eva (Virginia Christine),
and their teenage daughter, Lisa (Hannie
Landman). Once settled, when they all finally
drift off to sleep, we suddenly spy a
large bat fluttering over their camp.
Wearing what inexplicably appears to be a
tiny top hat, as the flying rodent circles
in closer and applies the brakes for
a landing, it quickly transforms into
Count Dracula (John Carradine).
Maybe. More on this later...
Anyways,
low on gas after such a long flight from
Transylvania -- and boy are his arms tired
*groan* -- the vampire attempts the
old neck-sucking maneuver on Lisa. But
lucky for the girl, the crucifix her
mother gave her scares him off before
she's sucked dry. Awakened by her screams,
her parents discover four small puncture
wounds on Lisa's neck. Without hesitation,
Eva proclaims it to be the damnable work of a
vampire, and the credits roll...
Come
with us now to the days of yesteryear ... When from out of the west, in a cloud of
dust, on a steed of white, shouting a
hearty "I vant to suck your blood!
Bleaauugh! rides … Count Dracula?!?
Well,
we assume that this is Dracula because
aside from the title card, our vampire is
never actually referred to as the
Transylvanian Count by name during the
entire film. Oversight or last second
rights clearing, who can say for sure, but
it's just one of the many a'head-scratching
moments you will have to endure while
watching Billy
the Kid vs. Dracula.
Back
in the 1940s and '50s, writer and producer
Carl K. Hittleman and director William
"One Shot" Beaudine were a
couple of guys who had a hand in a ton of
westerns. By the time the '60s rolled
around, the western was all but dead, and
if it didn’t have John Wayne, Gary
Cooper or Randolph
Scott in it then nobody went to see them
anymore. Needing to try something
different, together, these two, along with
producer Carroll Case, decided to cash in
on the resurgent monster revival resulting
in the infamous double-bill of Billy
the Kid vs. Dracula
and Jesse
James Meets Frankenstein’s Daughter.
Alas
no Wild Bill Hickock
vs. the Wolfman or
Buffalo Bill meets the Mummy. Ah
well,
tip your glass, folks, to what might
have been.
While
watching -- or enduring, depending on how
you look at these things -- these pieces
of sinister sagebrush it appears quite
obvious that the creators did know a thing
or two about how to make a western, but
equally as obvious was the fact that none
of them knew a whole lot about monsters
and horror movies. To me, it seems that
their entire grasp of the genre was based
entirely on Bobby "Boris"
Pickett's "The Monster Mash"
-- which had debuted in 1962. They even
blow the easiest vampire convention as
their Assumed Dracula moves about during
the light of day freely with no
detrimental side-effects. But aside
from these hiccups their film is solid
enough. Unfortunately, too solid for
it’s own good as the
story picks up with a stagecoach as it hastily thunders
toward the next
weigh station.
Behind schedule because
they stopped and picked up an extra,
stranded passenger --
you guessed it, Assumed Dracula -- we’re
quickly introduced to the other travelers;
and it's here we meet my favorite
character, Joe Flake, a whiskey salesman (--
and
Curly Howard’s stunt double.
Woob-woob-woob-woob-woob!) Also on
board are Mary Bentley (Marjorie
Bennet), owner and operator of the
Bar-B ranch, and her brother, James
Underhill (William Forrest),
whom she is bringing out for his first
visit. Showing Assumed Dracula a picture
of her daughter, Betty, the vampire is
immediately smitten with her beauty, and
as the conversation continues, she also
mentions that Betty has never seen her
Uncle James before. (Plot
point! Plot point! Plot point!)
Arriving
at the next station just as the sun sets,
while the manager prevents Joe Flake from
selling any firewater to the local Indians,
the other weary travelers grub up and then
bed down for the night. All save one:
Assumed Dracula, who spirits his way into
the Indian camp with his fangs out and
kills a young maiden he had been eyeing
earlier. The
next morning, after the stage departs, her
exsanguinated body is discovered. Seeking
revenge, the natives go on the warpath and
run the stagecoach down, massacring
everyone on board. (Ah,
Joe, we hardly knew yah.) Everyone
that is except for Assumed Dracula, who
conveniently missed the carriage’s
departure. Seizing an opportunity, he
flies to the massacre sight
post-bloodbath, rifles through the
corpses, and assumes the identity of Uncle
James.
Meanwhile,
at the Bar-B, Billy the Kid (Chuck
Courtney) has put his lawless days
behind him and diligently serves as the
ranch's foreman. And we should also note
that Billy is Betty's fiancé. This, of
course, doesn’t make Red (Bing
Russell -- Kurt Russell's dad), the
former foreman and former boyfriend, very
happy as he jealously watches Billy help
Betty (Melinda Plowman) with
her target practice. With the stage due
any minute, the lesson ends so Billy can
head into town to meet Mrs. Bentley and
Uncle James while Betty finishes getting
ready for the new arrival.
Meanwhile,
when
Assumed Dracula arrives at the local
saloon, he announces himself as Mr. James
Underhill and checks into a room. Outside,
Billy runs into the Sheriff (Roy
Barcroft -- the bad guy in almost every
old serial you can think of), who
brings news of the stagecoach massacre.
And as Billy offers
to break the tragic news to Betty about
the loss of he whole family, the bartender
overhears them and says that Mr. Underhill
is still alive. Assumed Dracula, whose been
eavesdropping, then presents himself just
as the Osters show up. Recognizing him as
the man who attacked her, Lisa screams,
raising the Sheriff's interest in the tall
stranger up a few notches. But using the
pilfered picture of Betty to convince them
that he is who he says he is, "Uncle
James" also tells the lawman to
ignore those superstitious peasants before
retiring to his room. With that, Billy
glumly heads home to notify Betty about
her mother's death.
Later
that night, Assumed Dracula breaks into
the Oster's room and kills Lisa. The
next day, after Assumed Dracula moves out
to the Bar-B, a distraught Eva, convinced
that he’s the blood-sucking culprit,
tracks down Billy and begs him to keep an
eye on this "Uncle James." Feeling
sorry for the old woman, Billy offers her
and her husband a job at the ranch. Eva
accepts, and quickly begins hanging
wolfsbane all over the place.
Which
would be great if there was a werewolf
running loose.
Things
settle down for awhile -- until Red and
Billy finally have it out over Betty. And
oddly enough, Red kicks the crap out of
our hero. Limping into town, Billy visits
Doc Hull (Olive
Caray -- picture Dr. Quinn: the old and
cranky and declining years) to get
patched up. Since her answer for any
ailment is a good stiff drink, the two
share a bottle. At
this point, Billy, whose become suspicious
of "Uncle James", tells her all
about the vampire stuff. Coincidentally,
it just so happens that the Doc has an old
book of folklore handy, and together, they
brush up on the mythical creatures of the
night ... Armed with this new information,
Billy tracks Betty and Assumed Dracula
down at the old silver mine. Informed that
Assumed Dracula is inside exploring,
Billy takes the opportunity and confronts
Betty with his mounting suspicions. Told
he's crazy to even think such a thing,
Billy begs her to at least use a mirror on
her uncle, to see if he casts a
reflection, and then it will be settled.
She agrees. However, Red has found out
that Billy, Betty and Eva are conspiring
against "Uncle James" and rats
them out. And as Betty’s legal guardian,
Assumed Dracula takes control of the
estate, locks his niece in her room until
further notice, and fires Billy, forcing
him off the ranch at gun point.
Later
at the saloon, an extremely intoxicated
Red pushes things too far and draws on
Billy. After gunning him down, Billy
sneaks back to the ranch but arrives too
late: Assumed Dracula has already feasted
on Betty’s neck. But with Eva's help, Billy
manages to sneak the girl out of the house
and takes her to Doc Hull. As
the Doc examines Betty’s canine-like
wounds, the Sheriff shows up to arrest
Billy for killing Red. Even though it’s
a clear-cut case of self-defense, he still
must stand trial. And while Billy sits in
jail, Assumed Dracula tracks Betty down
and steals her back, but not before Doc
Hull manages to hold a mirror up to him --
and sure enough, he casts no
reflection.
That
seals it then; he is a vampire, and they
finally have proof! After busting Billy
out of jail, Doc Hull tries to give him a
metal stake to use on the vampire but the
gunslinger insists that his pistol will do
the trick, and then heads for the old silver
mine, the vampire's obvious hang-out.
Knowing that bullets won't kill the
undead, Doc Hull quickly rounds up the
Sheriff, and with the stake still in hand, they
head out of town in hot-pursuit!
Carrying
the still unconscious Betty into the mine,
Assumed Dracula has apparently been busy
decorating it up, and
as soon as he's finished turning her into
a vampire, it will be their new home for
all eternity! With fangs bared he closes
in for the kill, but before he can finish
the dastardly deed, Billy barges in --
guns a-blazing! Emptying his six-shooter
with no effect, our hero then proceeds to
get his butt kicked. Again. With
Billy out of the way, Assumed Dracula
turns back to Betty. Fortunately, he’s
interrupted again; this time by Doc Hull
and the Sheriff, who uselessly empties his
six-shooter into the vampire, too. But
when Billy wakes up, he grabs the empty
gun from the Sheriff and throws it at
Dracula! Amazingly enough, for once, this
old trick finally works when the gun conks
Assumed Dracula in the head and knocks him silly.
Taking Doc Hull's stake, Billy is quickly
all over the prone body and soundly pounds
it into the vampire’s heart.
As
he whacks away, watch as a bat slips out
from under the Assumed Dracula's cloak,
which flutters outside and lands.
Amazingly, no one seems to notice this.
I pondered the cinematic impact and
symbolism of this scene, but since it
has absolutely no bearing on the rest of
the film, and makes my head hurt,
let’s just forget that I even brought
it up. Back to the film. We're almost
done.
As
Assumed Dracula’s body decomposes, Betty
wakes up, hearty and healthy, and they all
lived happily ever after.
The
End
As
I try to grasp for the right words to
describe Billy
the Kid vs. Dracula,
all I can come up with is disappointing.
If you go in expecting something as awful as
that title would imply, like I did, the
film will disappoint because it simply
just isn’t all that bad. Personally, I
was hoping for something along the lines
of Robot
Monster, and all I got was a
Halloween episode of Bonanza.
Make
no mistake, there are plenty of goofs: the
top hat wearing bat on a string, the bad
jump-cut F/X during the transformation
scenes, and John Carradine's red-tinted
eye-bulging death-stare brought only fits
of laughter instead of the menace it
intended. And as the hero, Billy sure gets
his ass kicked a lot.
And
as I put this review to bed I must ponder
one more thing: the bite marks on the
victim’s neck. There were four puncture
wounds instead of the customary two, and I
wondered if that made this film noteworthy
as the first canine vampire bites in
screen history. Or was old Assumed Dracula
just not as good a shot as he used to be?
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