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Kong Deserved Better Than This

Start Flinging the Fecal-Matter! As Our Mad Mammoth Monkey Marathon Tackles Five Internationally Flavored Kong Knock-offs.


Italy: King of Kong Island

Robert feels there was something not quite right about the ambush; the apes didnít act like apes at all, and it was like they had a plan of attack. And when the film gets even more cryptic as Ursula warns them against violating any ancient jungle taboos, we, as an audience, give up and pop open another cold one, hoping less sobriety will somehow help this film make more sense...


Great Britain: Konga

When his plant extract bubbles over onto the floor, where the family cat pounces and begins to lap it up, a horrified Decker shoots the animal dead. Now Margaret is the one horrified as he explains, in all seriousness, that the world isnít ready for a cat the size of leopard running loose in London. No, not a giant feline; Decker wants a Konga to be the inaugural test-subject for his diabolical accelerated growth experiments...


Hong Kong: The Mighty Peking Man

When the Peking Man makes his first public appearance, the giant man-ape causes a panic. But the scattering crowd calms down once they realize that Samantha can control the beast. Lu Tiem then makes arrangements to take the behemoth to Hong Kong and put him on exhibition, and we already know that this is a real bad idea that will only end in fire...


Japan: King Kong Escapes

Getting our first full body shot of Kong, we are struck by the strangely odd proportions of the animal. And if the huge head, broad shoulders, and really long arms perched on those tiny little legs doesnít bring a smile to your face, then check your pulse 'cuz you may be dead...



Korea: A*P*E

Cradled in the monkeyís paw, Marilyn pleads "Be gentle big fella" and then strikes a disturbingly prostate pose across his palm. When the ape sits her down, she scrambles into a narrow crevice, where his hand won't fit. Now is the film trying to tell us something here? Man, I hope not. Paging Dr. Innuendo ... Code Blue ... Dr Innuendo ... You're needed in the mismatched metaphor room. Stat!